As with all healing, it usually hurts. And although I wasn't looking forward to the hurting, I was looking forward to the healing. I would never attempt to go through something like this without asking Father to help me through it because I knew He would know the best course for me. And He did in ways that I never expected.
The first area of healing I dealt with was that of giving love and being loved in return, even if the one I love leaves me. This is where my emotional healing of abandonment would come to the surface.
My in laws live in an area where there are a lot of farmers and open spaces. This invites a lot of wild animals such as foxes, prairie dogs, skunks, and cats. And once there was even a bear that made its way to the area. I want to focus on the wild cats. My in laws have wild cats all the time at their house because they feed them. The somewhat tame female cats that hang around often get pregnant by the more wild male cats that come around during the night.
The last litter of cats produces about eight kittens. One was put down early in his short life because he had some eye issue that caused him to become sickly. The other I found dead in the front yard. The last six managed to survive, even after their mother disappeared. It is the one of those six that I want to focus on.
Growing up I hung out with the kids that weren't as popular. I guess I felt more comfortable there. Perhaps that is why I was drawn to this little kitten. He was the runt compared to the others. He was a yellowish color so I called him "LY" for Little Yellow. I was also drawn to him because he was the only one that had the courage to come up to me or any human. All the others were very skittish and would run off if you even looked their direction. I fed LY human foods in hopes to fatten him up and help him grow. He loved affection! I know most cats do, but he seemed to love it even more so I gave it to him whenever I had the chance. Over a few weeks I had grown to love LY and looked forward to seeing him.
Over time he began to get that cat eye sickness that most cats get. It got so bad that it made its way into his lungs and he would sneeze yellow and green mucus. He was very contagious and all of the other cats left him alone. I still loved him though.
In times past I had given our dog, Woody a blessing for a sickness and when he was hit by a car. I felt impressed to give LY a blessing so I did. I blessed him that he would heal and he able to continue to share his love he shared with me.
One day I saw my father in law outside with his pellet gun. I asked my wife what he was doing and she said he was gong to put LY down because he looked so bad and because he didn't want him dog to catch whatever LY had. I wasn't happy with that but I understood. I cried that night that I had lost a pet that I loved and loved me. And I thought the inspirations I had felt to give him a blessing was just me wishing for LY to be healed when in reality it wasn't.
The next morning I went out to go for a run and there was LY. Apparently my father in law couldn't find him. I was mad because I had mourned for him. This meant I would have to mourn all over for him and I didn't want to go through that again. I also found myself being distant from him so I didn't get attached to him again. That didn't last long.
LY still wasn't getting better, and in some ways he looked worse. A couple of days later I came home from work and walked to the front door to see LY laying on the porch with flies all around him. I stopped and stared at him to see if he was still alive. He was. He looked and smelled so bad that I didn't want him to suffer any more. I went in the house and cried as I prayed to asked Father for the courage and strength to end LY's suffering.
My plan was to dig a hole first, put LY in a plastic bag and with a big heavy rock smash him. I couldn't bring myself to shooting him because I didn't want to see blood and I didn't want to see him die. I dug the hole, gave love to LY one more time then put him in a plastic bag and put him in the hole. He didn't like being put in a bag so he wiggled and scratched to get out. I lifted the 20 pound rock and slammed it into the hole. Just as I did LY came flying out unscathed and ran off. I saw where he had hid so I went and talked with him. I apologized for trying to kill him when it wasn't his time to go. And I apologized for losing his trust. Needless to say I was crying this whole time. And it was here that Father told me that He honored the blessing I gave to LY. To me this meant that LY would be healed and live to be an old cat.
I didn't see LY for a couple of days. I didn't know if I would ever see him again and I didn't blame him. One evening as the sun was going down, I was out back looking for LY. I told Father that I would really like to see LY. Just as I asked, there he was down the hill from me. I walked along the top of the hill above where I had seen him. After a few minutes I saw him again and he saw me. He slowly came walking up the hill with his tail straight up. I learned that his tail was saying he was friendly and content. He still trusted me.
I knelt down and loved him and he soaked it up like he had missed it. He still looked sick but I could tell he was healing. He had more energy and most the mucus and puss was gone. As I stayed knelt down he jumped onto my knee and onto my shoulders where he moved back and forth as I loved him. After a few minutes I walked to the house and LY followed close behind me. I gave him a bit more love then went into the house to put Lenna to bed. That would be the last time I would see LY.
The next morning I was outside ready to exercise. My wife was outside also and I told her that I had seen LY the night before and that he looked better and was healing. My wife shook her head and said that he dad had put LY down the last night. I didn't react, I just turned and walked away and cried. What added to the pain was it was me that brought LY to the house where he was seen and taken.
If took me a couple of weeks to take the time to talk with Father about why LY died when I felt in my heart that Father had told me that He honored my blessing to LY. What Father shared with me was, His time is not my time, and my time is not his time. Meaning, the blessing was honored even though it was only for those few days. LY had began to recover and heal, and he did continue to share his love with me.
The emotional healing that is taking place in me is, love is real, and it can hurt as much as it can bring joy. To give love and to receive love are the greatest gifts we have. Even if the giving of love isn't received, we are still blessed. It is natural to hold back in giving love when the love we gave wasn't received or as we say, given back. The challenge is to continue to love and not be afraid. Don't let the pain and fear of giving love prevent you from offering the greatest gift Father has given us to give to others. This is my biggest challenge. I know it is because of the love and atonement of Jesus that I am healing. My heart is opened and I am loving and receiving love.
Thank you LY for your short time in this life to show and teach me about love! I will see you soon!
I love you my friend!
